On Wanting and Infertility

The 10 commandments warn against greed and being covetous.

Buddhism’s  2nd Noble truth is “suffering arises from attachments to desires.”

Sikhism
Adi Granth, Sri Raga Ashtpadi, M.1, p. 61
    Envy and desire and ambition drive a man out of the world.

Hinduism
Bhagavad Gita 3.36-41
Clinging, in bondage to desires, not seeing
in bondage any fault, thus bound and fettered,
never can they cross the flood so wide and mighty.

Blinded are beings by their sense desires
spread over them like a net; covered are they
by cloak of craving; by their heedless ways
caught as a fish in the mouth of a funnel-net.

Decrepitude and death they journey to,
just as a sucking calf goes to its mother.

Confucianism
Analects 9.17
    There is no crime greater than having too many desires;
There is no disaster greater than not being content;
There is no misfortune greater than being covetous.

I’m sure my dear reader that you are wondering why the religion lesson and what does it have to do with infertility. It doesn’t have to do with infertility it has to do with desire and happiness. All major world religions talk about the negative effects of desire (or wanting) on a person's psyche.

The closer I get to forty the greater I feel the ache of knowing I won’t have children.  For a time, I had been dealing with it generally well, keeping in mind the positive spin of being child-free. Then two things happened. Elster let me know at then end of May last year she was pregnant with her forth child. Then that July I had the most unexpected positive pregnancy test and subsequent miscarriage. How does one not rage against God, like a petulant child screaming “That’s not fair! Why I am I supposed to be this strong? How can I bear this?”    How do I get over the general feeling I am broken and that I am being punished for not being a good person.  Like every other loss, you just move forward. I remind myself of all the good things I have, and that I have everything I need and most things I want.  And when I need to really kick myself in the butt, I remember I’m not Job, and he was a far more faithful servant of God than I am.

I know I will find a balance point and I will be happy. I just need to live more simply, accept the things I have, and just let go.

As  Tao Te Ching- 37 says “When there is no desire, all things are at peace.” May you find your peace.